Slow Growing

by Kelly

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A bunch of sappy songs I wrote about cats and the west and stuff...

Took too long.

Recordings finished and mixed by Seth Engel at the Owlery. Mastered by Will Killingsworth.


released November 30, 2015



all rights reserved


Z Money Chicago, Illinois

I miss myspace music :(

<3 rob thomas

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Track Name: All Good Things
i don't have a face that'll age as well as dennis quaid's
and i'll never write a song like the night moves
but i can crack a pbr at 9am and drink all day in the garage
just like my daddy did
and I'll take care of me and mine
my dog'll never know another bad day
she'll never be lonely again

i was timothy treadwell in a dream i had
everything felt so much more alive
i was singing at the stars with a bear mask on
and for the first time everything felt alright
when we'd talk a lot i was hoping they'd see some of me in them
but when we made camp together i never saw any of me in them

i'd rather be nitty gritty than hold onto that cushion life
where it's not okay to be cold sometimes
even though some sometimes it's cold and
sometimes i'm miserable telling myself way-to-go
way to be a human being
i'm the worst example of the people i write, i'm weak, spineless and a lot i don't even try to be

i am timothy treadwell with a bear mask on as my arms are being pulled apart ripped from their sockets, the flesh torn off
and me lying their just a-smiling
with the bears and as the bears are rooting round in my chest
i felt glad to have my friends so close, i'll always be with them
(they bleed me dry they rip out my insides they laugh at what i tried to hide
if i had a mirror i'd show some light in their eyes)
Track Name: Black Honey
one thing i can do is pick up heavy things and i will treat you better than the rancho san diego humane society
but please leave me a little loyalty
that means don't rub up against my friends when they come over
and don't fret
it's okay
it's okay if you leave a little bit of hair on my favorite sweater
it never smelled better
before your touch
came into my bed at night to warm me up and waking up
with you at the edge of my bed was the only way to look up
when times were tough and i didn't have enough
money to eat, we'd share dry packets of ramen noodles
and pet names

me to you i whispered black honey
if you could turn into a person then i wouldn't have to leave and go out into the night looking in all of the windows for another last person left alive and if not found something else to satiate my mind
me to you i whispered black honey, i think I'm in love

all you did was purr back at me
Track Name: The CatTrap
when nobody's home you get all bothered
she's already on her way over
to clean up your vomit and fill your bowl with water
your life in an itch and only she has fingers
handful of tupperware, reusable silverware
she's a cool cat sitter
and she's cool

the cool cat sitter let the cats stay up all night and into the morning the felids roamed room to room over pocket bibles and decomposing dollar bills but morning came and they slept in boxes upside down with their right sides out, big dreams of the hunt

if you've been treated unkindly then i think that there's a pretty good chance that we might go together and maybe the better parts of each of us might add up to be a whole human-felid creatuuuuuurrrrreeeee

all summer they lied splayed out in the sun
but winter came and the strays slept under the porch
in an all-ball of fur and each others hands
they managed to stay warm
Track Name: Sad Keanu
that was not a good movie,
it was boring
it was too much like real life
i don't want to see people cry in my free time
i don't want to see people cry
i don't want to see real life
i don't want see people be people
i don't want to see hurt people hurt people
i don't want to see real life in my free time

i want to see keanu reeves
bring the whole fucking world back from the brink of extinction
i want morgan freeman to narrate my whole life

i want morgan freeman to narrate everything for me and keanu reeves bringing the whole fucking world back from the brink of extinction
Track Name: Hog Heaven
i spent the day what-the-fuckin
myself into oblivion
i'm not going outside today or any other day this week
i'm in the manner of a wolf's den
with a faux fur coat and fake blood cracked upon my cheek
imagine me with a pig snout, a jutting brow
and bawdy cackles soaked into the floorboards all around where i sleep

traveling together hand in hand are darkness and the other last good thing i had to keep a secret inside of me
i'll surround them with walls topped with broken glass
so other people won't get a chance
to get at em inside of me

but it's lonely in there and i don't know why i stay there
shiverin, curled up in the snow and cold with my ears perked up
listening for my nightmares all around
hiding out, wanting to be found
to be brought back in and slept with, wrestled and kissed
and licked behind the ears

i can throw a fit, i can throw it at the door
i can end up on my knees dry heaving on the floor
in the bathroom or the street for everyone to see
i've got it on my hands and i've got it on my feet
hand me a towel and a stick of gum and then i'll be clean
and i'll never go back to my hometown

i'm tall tall walls behind a moat topped with broken glass
lookin out off the balcony admiring the view
no one ever comes up here and the desolation is pretty amazing
even though it's only me and you
i'll keep my borders up, i'll run away and stay on the move
my big guard dog and a couple of drinks are the only friends I really need
Track Name: I Used to Listen to Entirely Too Much Eisley
i used to think that nothing was ever going to get in my way
i had big, big arrogant dreams where i lamented and kept death away from kittens
but i awoke inside the bones of a deer's ribcage as the flesh rotted and the carcass began to decompose
i thought to myself
"so this is hell?" and i guess i'll live out my days among the maggots and the rats with all their tales of companionship
but in the end it's only me against all the men eating songbirds

fuck hashtags and retweets (thanks jay-z)
fuck dinner dates with iPhone eye-glued girls
am i the only one bothered? i guess it's only me crazy, alone
i'll become a ghost
the underbelly of america feels warm and i want to stay there for months

like agent smith said to morpheus in the matrix
we are just a virus
fornicating and coagulating and running amuck all over ourselves
the peak of human civilization should be reinvented
and history books rewritten to include everything that's actually happened
that manifest destiny is sea pirate mastrubation
and there is no holy cross

fuck hashtags and retweets
fuck shark finning polygamy
you probably know where everything you consume comes from and where it goes
me, i can't even pretend
that i'll move to the coast when
the underbelly of america gets crowded and i have to bite and push my way out-outside is worse
so I'm pounding on the door, please let me back in
i promise i will never ever ever leave again

and she lifts up her fat and skin
and i crawl back in
and lie among things both horrible and exciting
Track Name: Long Desserts
deserts glow
deserts grow and go on forever and never need a drink
and never read a word of the outside world
and long deserted ships would love to meet you
would love to feel your metaphoric warmth
but maybe can't
when you are only wood, quiet and afraid
but playful and safe
always ready for the romp or a hunt or
an adventure never had

born to test the waters and brave all the borders
no more fenced in than the midnight sun
rising but not setting
up and down a yoyo on the horizon

do you remember when you held hands with the first time you felt afraid?
and where you put that cinder block feeling to make sure that you won't ever feel that again
under that same rock you hide your age old desire to feel nothing again
the brief fleeting feel of epiphany
when god lets go of his clasp on the scruff of your neck and how brief is that?

deserts grow
worlds implode, hearts explode and go on forever exploding
and mine could use a drink
and never to read a word of the outside world

the first time i saw sebastian shaw's face i was frightened i was alone
or maybe just frightened of sebastian shaw's face
i will always want to be mark hamil
Track Name: My Emilio
i'm with emilio estevez and a horse in search of the place
where the six shooter fastest drawer still makes all the rules
and when we find it me and all my friends will leave
and we'll ride all the way to montana
hummin frank zappa, smelling of marlboro smoothes
the skies are cerulean blue and my dog will be there too

we can run around for days and
hey, don't say you have leave so early
you are only on the run and we have all been on the run before
yeah, i know what that's like to
(carry everything you own on your back and in your hands, state to state until you finally find your place)
sleep everynight on a couch that isn't your's
every night after night until it all almost starts to feel alright, but

all the ghosts are dead
we never believed in them before

we can run around for days and i promise that i won't say
what i think about your past life
that one where you stayed up late
(and walked around with one eye shut tight
a dam for a reservoir to hide the darkness inside)
everyday, anyways this perfect incandescent magic place
is only interested in clean slates and never what you will become

(it's getting dark but there are lights outside
it's a long walk to get away
but then the tree line meets the beach under sunshine skies)

just wear your cap pulled down and walk around with your hands in your pockets in the undiscovered, maybe there are monsters who live above the clouds and nights they might come down to play their games of haunt and seek and when they speak their bodies are so deep and their bodies smell of thunder
Track Name: My TLC
i can still remember when i was ten in the death valley's desert
with a spider on my shirt
and my friends singing TLC
he was saying
no no i don't need no scrub
a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
hangin out the passenger's side
he was trying to holler at me
only i didn't have any cable and my parents forbade the radio
and so i never knew tender loving care

and there were foxes all around
scorpions waiting to be found
to be put in cages for days and years so that they might know
my tender loving care

and there were nights where you're a bag of bones in the corner of my room, my taxidermied friend
i brush and kiss, i love to sit and talk real slow to you
you listen well
i'll tell you how i wish i could take you out for a walk but can't so
maybe just wear you out as a coat
i'll suck the marrow out from your bones
and then i'll string em around my neck
truly sick with it i'll prove how much i care
Track Name: Never End
Track Name: I Haven't Seen You in a Mirror
i haven't seen you in years and this is like looking in a mirror
after not having looked in one in oh, how many years?
and you're soft from all the beer
facial hair but you're no taller
and my face has gotten older way faster than it should have
and there's no erasing that
all the nights of drinking beer
ping pong at the recreation center
cigarettes in the parking lot
xanax and driving to tijuana

san diego break my heart into all the little pieces of the lives i could have led
didn't want to grow up in a factory city it'll make us into wood
let's spend forevering's nights doin flips off the high dive
and fence jump into a jacuzzi
livin every night like tomorrow will stay away

and there's nothing wrong with
walking the canyons at four am
getting lost and sleeping in them
pitching a tent, living a life that has come to an end
never hungover again

they're still alive in my head
we're still hanging by the bluffs and doing flips into the water

remember when we were afraid to be the beginning of the people we've become
something as lightening as realizing that we will never invent anything to save the world
yeah, i smiled when you told me of those dreams that float around your skull of another world that sleeps beneath our feet and only comes out when we go to sleep, and i would love to show you how i've grown
the people i've been and the places i've known

i haven't seen you in years and this is like looking in a mirror after not having looked in one in oh, how many years?
Track Name: After I Was Thrown into the River and Before I Drowned
you're the color of hardwood floors in the morning when the sun comes in
it'll find you sleeping on the couch
with your vomit on the floor
and you've pissed yourself again
this is becoming a regular occurrence
i get close and smother and whisper "i love you so much more"
you get an attitude for days, you get crazy violent and mean
that's okay, i do too
and i get so much worse than you
think back to when you were a young buck
poked and prodded, starved
neglected in a basement
mine was nothing but sunshine and self indulgence
and what kind of unfair is it that
wherever you go your growing up
passed around a lot it's hard to stay in touch
but at least easy to skate out on the thing to which you can't stand up

look at how we've both ended up
cadillac eyes always ready for a fight or the hunt
or anyway to drown the dull consistency of our days away

it's only a mountain
i'm saying lets walk up it
i know where we'll sleep tonight it's somewhere on the other side
tomorrow we'll rest, tomorrow at first light
we've been goin quite some time
some really quiet time
nothin gained, nothin tried
look at us we're here, we're just living out our lives.
wherever we go we're growing up
we've got scars we've got eyes quick enough to judge if
anyone else at the table might able to love such crazy, wild dogs

"there is a need for surprise endings
the green field where the cows burn like newsprint
where the farmer sits and stares
where nothing when it happens
is never terrible enough"